Dealing with grief at Christmas
Shanna Provost provides tips on how to cope with a world celebrating life, while we’re dealing with grief at Christmas.
Key takeaways for dealing with grief at Christmas
The holiday season is filled with triggers that can provoke a grief attack so it’s OK to opt out of the celebrations altogether, or you can create new rituals and events.
There are lovely ways to talk about, honour and include your person in your rituals and gatherings.
Grief is uncomfortable, especially someone else’s grief…but avoiding it doesn’t help.
We all grieve differently. It’s important we’re allowed to do it our own way.
The first Christmas after my baby died I hung his unworn booties on the Christmas tree. When I saw the cute ‘Baby’s first Christmas’ onesie, I sat on the floor in Kmart doubled over in pain. My work colleagues didn’t understand why I skipped the usual ‘Chrissie Drinks at the Dive’, or the Christmas Carols in the park. I felt like I was turning into The Grinch. And it was OK. I was dealing with grief at Christmas.
We’re told to be jolly and grateful for all the blessings in our lives at this time of year. And we are, mostly. But there are lots of us who are just trying to get through another season that reminds us of what we don’t have this year, and there are triggers everywhere.
Grief can blindside us at the most inconvenient times (Exhibit A: the Kmart fiasco), whether we’re grieving a recent loss or one from 30 years ago (it can feel just as painful as it did back then). It’s important to just let go and let it have its way with you without judging yourself.
And there is no right or wrong way to grieve, everyone has different ways of dealing with grief at Christmas. Some of us will feel comforted by retreating into ourselves and our memories; some of us will want to party it out and take comfort in being around family and friends, distracted from our pain by the usual hype; others will put on a ‘happy face’ so they don’t bring down the cheery vibe…. and some will simply glide through it.
Put you first
Don’t try to meet others’ expectations of you, while you’re dealing with grief at Christmas. Give yourself permission to skip it altogether if you need to, or the parts of it that hurt too much. Don’t feel pressured to go to events you might have gone to together even if that means not being part of family/friend traditions. If the party vibe feels overwhelming, reach out to someone who will understand, and have quiet moments together.
If you sense that it’s going to be a tough time, think about making an appointment with your doctor or a counsellor or visiting an online Grief Support Service to meet up with others who are grieving.
Let’s be kind to ourselves and others as we navigate the joy and sadness that Christmas time can bring.
How to tweak Christmas rituals to suit you
You can tweak your events a little or create new traditions to help everyone adapt to the fact that someone is missing. It’s important to include your person into your services and celebrations. Here are some ideas:
Put a gift under the tree for them
Light a candle that is just for them
Play their favourite songs or movies they loved to watch
Have videos or a photo slideshow of them playing in the background
Put up a Christmas stocking with their name on it
Buy a special ornament for the Christmas tree
Bake or cook their favourite dish (the aromas will bring back great memories)
Add a special ceremony to honour the person, for example, have a moment’s silence before eating, make a toast to them or have everyone present say one thing they loved and one thing that frustrated them about the person
Set a place at the table if that feels good
Tinsel up their grave, niche or the place where you go to remember them.
Talking with those who are dealing with grief at Christmas
People tell me they avoid talking to a grieving person because they don’t know what to say, but what I hear most from the bereaving is ‘no one will talk about him/her/it; it’s as if they never existed’. And then there’s the other end of that scale, where the worst words to hear are, ‘time heals all wounds’, and, ‘your strong, you’ll get over this,’ and ‘isn’t it time to move on now?’
You can support another who’s grieving by sending a card that says, ‘Thinking of you; invite them to your family’s lunch, or invite them out for lunch on a separate day. If you find photos of their loved one, send a copy saying ‘I thought you might like to have this’. Acknowledgement is important.
List of useful resources
There are many good resources online that provide support for all the imaginable types of grief. Here’s a short list that might be helpful.
https://griefline.org.au/resources/men-and-grief/
https://good-grief.com.au/home-good-grief/
https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-resources/
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As a certified Death Doula (trained by Dr Michael Barbato), a Funeral Celebrant and a specialist educator in end-of-life issues, Shanna's passion is to encourage people to think about, discuss and make clear their choices about the end of their natural life. Shanna's Rest Easy Journal and Rest-Easy Toolkit are sold across Australia. These gentle, easy-to-follow tools guide people to get their affairs in order and leave clear information for those left to sort everything after they have died. Shanna is a Good Death Impact Network Member.
